Swine flu. Run for my life!
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
