theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
