i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
My bed smells like the plague
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