I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
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