The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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