absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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