I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
