i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I deserve this hangover.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
