Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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