And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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