so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
