you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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