Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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