Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize