My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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