is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
