We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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