We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
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