We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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