from now on my penis is your penis
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
