I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
