the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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