I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
