Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
