He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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