Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
