they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
