Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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