She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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