it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
