I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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