put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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