Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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