people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
