i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
