So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
