So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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