A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
