i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
