why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
