I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize