Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
