Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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