dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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