Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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