He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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