my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
