I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize