Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
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