I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
