listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
