She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
