How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
We don't watch enough power rangers
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
