I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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