I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Drake has all the answers
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
