i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
