my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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