i already hear my dad disowning me
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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