i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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