My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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